you lost your place in line again, what a pity, you never seem to want to dance anymore

i don't remember exactly when i first started feeling uncomfortable in my body.

there was that time, in my second year of dance classes, that my ballet costume shredded at the seams.  i think everyone's did.  but then i had to change costumes with a girl who was really tall and thin and because of that, i remember thinking in some way that maybe her body was better than mine.  i was 5 years old.

i spent 12 more years in front of the mirror, in a black leotard and pink tights, staring at every inch of my body......wishing it looked different.

my big toe was too "big", my arches too "flat", my ankles too "thick", my calves too "muscular", my "thunder" thighs touched, my legs too "short",my hips too "wide", i had "no waist" and my torso was longer than my legs-- my chest was, of course, too "small", the back of my arms "flabby"........there was something wrong from every angle.

i was 5"2 and weighed about 100 lbs-- the "wrong body" i was told, over and over again for a dancer.

all i wanted was to be long and lean.

i spent 30-40 hours a week dancing, moving, exercising my muscles--- and nothing changed.  every time i stood in the mirror, i felt trapped inside a body i didn't want-- and ashamed that this body is what people saw when they looked at me.

it was that shame that took me to the next place....the place of feeling "not good enough" and "not deserving"-- farther into wanting to be invisible.

for as long as i could remember, i wanted to be perfect.  i wanted to be perfect and do everything perfect.....not need any help, not cause any trouble, not take up any space.  i just wanted to "chasse" by- unnoticed and unscathed......

 but it didn't happen that way-- you know, like life doesn't happen that way.

and every time i messed up, every time i did something wrong, or needed help, or remembered that i had the "wrong body" for a dancer-- i felt the heat of that shame rising inside of me and it felt bad.   so logically, i punished myself.

i guess that's enough for now.  xo