what'd i say to her, why'd i say it to her, what does she think of me, that i'm not what i ought to be

i woke up

before the alarm clock

woke me

up


good

i thought

it's so fucking good

that i don't have to get up yet


you know

i can't start my day

this way

(not today, not today)

cold and unhappy


i hear him

in the kitchen making coffee

as i pray


as i pray for today

to be less painful

than the last


because i hate

i hate

the space that i'm in

the space between

the space between

morning and night


oh i've always been

the girl

who likes to

stay up late

like a zombie

on the walking dead

(or something)


no that's a lie

i like to run

in the dark

just to see

if

i

might

fall


whatever

i don't care

i don't like what i wrote

but that's what's in my fucking head

okay


it's okay

it's okay

to say

whatever i think

so i don't have to think it again


cuz once i write it down

it's gone

it's gone from my brain


(wish it worked that way for pain)


sometimes i wake up

in the middle of the night

and i get

scared

that i've made all the wrong

decisions

in my life

and i'm going

nowhere


but by the time i wake up

i don't care

i don't care because i've got no where to go

anyway

anyway

this is how i start my day


before the alarm clock

wakes

me

up


i roll myself around

in the covers

as i try

to convince myself

to

get

up


i'll sleep when i'm dead

i said

i said

in my head


and i got up.