you have pointed out my flaws again as if i don't already see them, i walk with my head down trying to block you out cuz i'll never impress you, i just wanna feel okay again

it started with one less ice cream cone here and a couple less cookies there

then it just snowballed into this place where i was constantly negotiating with myself.  if i do this, i could have that-- if i have that i have to do this.  suddenly food was something that i was "allowed" to have because i was "good"- not something that i "deserved" to have because i was human (or hungry).

eating.  it was like, a problem.  i mean, it was okay if i was completely by myself and i could just take my time and like, not think.  but i couldn't deal with other people-- especially other people who seemed to enjoy it, who seemed to indulge in it.  i thought it was repulsive-- mostly because it felt terrifying.  it became difficult for me to eat in front of people.  walking into the school cafeteria or a restaurant or a holiday dinner-- i imagined everyone's eyes sizing up my plate, and sizing up me.

at the time i felt so transparent.  like i thought people could see right through me-- and that they could see the very feelings that i was trying to hide.  i thought they could see everything that was wrong with me just by looking at my body.  

i wanted nothing more than to be invisible-- and because i wasn't-- i began to hate myself.  

my inner dialogue soon became that of the meanest girl at school.  i didn't just bully myself-- i tortured myself.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and i didn't think that there was anything wrong with that.

i guess that is enough for today.

xo xo xo