open up your morning light and say a little prayer for i you know that if we are to stay alive then see the peace with every eye

i was approaching 30, had a job, an apartment, a boyfriend, a body that i loathed-- and i just thought that was normal......until i ended up in the hospital with a serious health issue. i remember feeling like my body was literally attacking me-- that i was living life stuck inside the confines of my worst enemy.  for nearly six months i lived in a constant state of panic-- wondering how i would ever escape myself, when it finally occured to me, "there has to be another way."  i just didn't know what it was yet.

in an effort to restore my health and deal with my anxiety, i began reading a ton of self help books.  one of my first "a-ha" moments came when i read "you can heal your life" by louise l hay.  she said that disease in your body literally comes from feeling dis-ease (not at ease) in your body.  well if that was the case, i realized that i had better shape up.  the only problem was that i couldn't follow along with the exercises in the book: looking at my reflexion in the mirror and saying "i love you" to myself, outloud, was out of the question--i didn't even LIKE myself.

so i took the suggestion of another self help author, gabrielle bernstein.  in her book "add more ~ing to your life" she suggests climbing to higher thoughts.  while i wasn't able to profess my love for my body to my own reflection-- i was able to feel immense gratitude toward it.  that was my second "a-ha moment."  one morning last summer, as i finished my morning run and realized how far i had come i literally fell down onto my knees crying.  i finally realized that my body was miraculous.

that sounds like the perfect ending to the story right?  i could just stop there and say that it is- but that would be a lie.  truthfully, i'm still not besties with my body.  while my "a-ha" moments were not quantum shifts-- they did solidify my belief that there is another way-- a kinder healthier happier way to live in my body. 

it goes something like this:
-waking up every morning and asking the universe to help me make peace with my body
-going to the gym and allowing my body to perform miracles
-silencing my inner mean girl when i get dressed for work and reminding myself that the things she says are just illusions that come from old wounds, misperceptions and insecurities
-having compassion for others and not judging the way anybody else choses to live their life
-thinking of eating and food as "taking my vitamins" and "nourishing myself" healthy
- allowing myself to "take up the space" i need to be human-- which means room for mistakes and breaks

i know that it's going to be a life long practice and a life long commitment-- but every morning, after i finish my morning run and realize how far i have come-- i know that i will get there.

xo xo xo