i do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught

if i ever saw you again i would tell you that i couldn't stop thinking about you.  hanging back walking down the street together in the dark i thought you were perfect.
#constructionorange #neonorange

my scars were reflected in the mist in your headlights i look like a neon zebra shaking rain off of stripes

i wear an elastic band around my wrist every day because it keeps me safe but safe from what i don't know

my mind is the most dangerous place of all because in my brain there are no stop signs and i'm stepping on the accelerator because it's like not a good look for me to actually care

so let's just keep things moving okay and like skip the formalities because i don't need to know you and you don't need to know me

i don't want to have to say anything and maybe i just want to be left alone to pick at my scabs and turn them into scars


whatever 

someone once told me if you touch the wings of a butterfly the oils from your skin are so heavy that the butterfly will no longer be able to fly so eventually it will die


let's pretend i never wrote this and that you never read it because it's all just bullshit

what'd i say to her, why'd i say it to her, what does she think of me, that i'm not what i ought to be

i woke up

before the alarm clock

woke me

up


good

i thought

it's so fucking good

that i don't have to get up yet


you know

i can't start my day

this way

(not today, not today)

cold and unhappy


i hear him

in the kitchen making coffee

as i pray


as i pray for today

to be less painful

than the last


because i hate

i hate

the space that i'm in

the space between

the space between

morning and night


oh i've always been

the girl

who likes to

stay up late

like a zombie

on the walking dead

(or something)


no that's a lie

i like to run

in the dark

just to see

if

i

might

fall


whatever

i don't care

i don't like what i wrote

but that's what's in my fucking head

okay


it's okay

it's okay

to say

whatever i think

so i don't have to think it again


cuz once i write it down

it's gone

it's gone from my brain


(wish it worked that way for pain)


sometimes i wake up

in the middle of the night

and i get

scared

that i've made all the wrong

decisions

in my life

and i'm going

nowhere


but by the time i wake up

i don't care

i don't care because i've got no where to go

anyway

anyway

this is how i start my day


before the alarm clock

wakes

me

up


i roll myself around

in the covers

as i try

to convince myself

to

get

up


i'll sleep when i'm dead

i said

i said

in my head


and i got up.

open up your morning light and say a little prayer for i you know that if we are to stay alive then see the peace with every eye

i was approaching 30, had a job, an apartment, a boyfriend, a body that i loathed-- and i just thought that was normal......until i ended up in the hospital with a serious health issue. i remember feeling like my body was literally attacking me-- that i was living life stuck inside the confines of my worst enemy.  for nearly six months i lived in a constant state of panic-- wondering how i would ever escape myself, when it finally occured to me, "there has to be another way."  i just didn't know what it was yet.

in an effort to restore my health and deal with my anxiety, i began reading a ton of self help books.  one of my first "a-ha" moments came when i read "you can heal your life" by louise l hay.  she said that disease in your body literally comes from feeling dis-ease (not at ease) in your body.  well if that was the case, i realized that i had better shape up.  the only problem was that i couldn't follow along with the exercises in the book: looking at my reflexion in the mirror and saying "i love you" to myself, outloud, was out of the question--i didn't even LIKE myself.

so i took the suggestion of another self help author, gabrielle bernstein.  in her book "add more ~ing to your life" she suggests climbing to higher thoughts.  while i wasn't able to profess my love for my body to my own reflection-- i was able to feel immense gratitude toward it.  that was my second "a-ha moment."  one morning last summer, as i finished my morning run and realized how far i had come i literally fell down onto my knees crying.  i finally realized that my body was miraculous.

that sounds like the perfect ending to the story right?  i could just stop there and say that it is- but that would be a lie.  truthfully, i'm still not besties with my body.  while my "a-ha" moments were not quantum shifts-- they did solidify my belief that there is another way-- a kinder healthier happier way to live in my body. 

it goes something like this:
-waking up every morning and asking the universe to help me make peace with my body
-going to the gym and allowing my body to perform miracles
-silencing my inner mean girl when i get dressed for work and reminding myself that the things she says are just illusions that come from old wounds, misperceptions and insecurities
-having compassion for others and not judging the way anybody else choses to live their life
-thinking of eating and food as "taking my vitamins" and "nourishing myself" healthy
- allowing myself to "take up the space" i need to be human-- which means room for mistakes and breaks

i know that it's going to be a life long practice and a life long commitment-- but every morning, after i finish my morning run and realize how far i have come-- i know that i will get there.

xo xo xo

you have pointed out my flaws again as if i don't already see them, i walk with my head down trying to block you out cuz i'll never impress you, i just wanna feel okay again

it started with one less ice cream cone here and a couple less cookies there

then it just snowballed into this place where i was constantly negotiating with myself.  if i do this, i could have that-- if i have that i have to do this.  suddenly food was something that i was "allowed" to have because i was "good"- not something that i "deserved" to have because i was human (or hungry).

eating.  it was like, a problem.  i mean, it was okay if i was completely by myself and i could just take my time and like, not think.  but i couldn't deal with other people-- especially other people who seemed to enjoy it, who seemed to indulge in it.  i thought it was repulsive-- mostly because it felt terrifying.  it became difficult for me to eat in front of people.  walking into the school cafeteria or a restaurant or a holiday dinner-- i imagined everyone's eyes sizing up my plate, and sizing up me.

at the time i felt so transparent.  like i thought people could see right through me-- and that they could see the very feelings that i was trying to hide.  i thought they could see everything that was wrong with me just by looking at my body.  

i wanted nothing more than to be invisible-- and because i wasn't-- i began to hate myself.  

my inner dialogue soon became that of the meanest girl at school.  i didn't just bully myself-- i tortured myself.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and i didn't think that there was anything wrong with that.

i guess that is enough for today.

xo xo xo 

you lost your place in line again, what a pity, you never seem to want to dance anymore

i don't remember exactly when i first started feeling uncomfortable in my body.

there was that time, in my second year of dance classes, that my ballet costume shredded at the seams.  i think everyone's did.  but then i had to change costumes with a girl who was really tall and thin and because of that, i remember thinking in some way that maybe her body was better than mine.  i was 5 years old.

i spent 12 more years in front of the mirror, in a black leotard and pink tights, staring at every inch of my body......wishing it looked different.

my big toe was too "big", my arches too "flat", my ankles too "thick", my calves too "muscular", my "thunder" thighs touched, my legs too "short",my hips too "wide", i had "no waist" and my torso was longer than my legs-- my chest was, of course, too "small", the back of my arms "flabby"........there was something wrong from every angle.

i was 5"2 and weighed about 100 lbs-- the "wrong body" i was told, over and over again for a dancer.

all i wanted was to be long and lean.

i spent 30-40 hours a week dancing, moving, exercising my muscles--- and nothing changed.  every time i stood in the mirror, i felt trapped inside a body i didn't want-- and ashamed that this body is what people saw when they looked at me.

it was that shame that took me to the next place....the place of feeling "not good enough" and "not deserving"-- farther into wanting to be invisible.

for as long as i could remember, i wanted to be perfect.  i wanted to be perfect and do everything perfect.....not need any help, not cause any trouble, not take up any space.  i just wanted to "chasse" by- unnoticed and unscathed......

 but it didn't happen that way-- you know, like life doesn't happen that way.

and every time i messed up, every time i did something wrong, or needed help, or remembered that i had the "wrong body" for a dancer-- i felt the heat of that shame rising inside of me and it felt bad.   so logically, i punished myself.

i guess that's enough for now.  xo

when you kiss my nose the feelings show cuz you make me smile even just for a while

last night

just as the sun began to set

we walked to the ice cream factory


somewhere along the way

i stepped

in dog doo


this was upsetting

because

i was wearing my

gym shoes


and like

there was no grass

anywhere

in which

i could rub my feet

to remove the doo


so

he picked up a stick

and ran it through

the grooves

of my

running shoe

to remove

that inconsiderate doo


if that is not love

i don't know what is


later

he was lying in bed

and my hair was wet

from my shower


i squeezed his knees

really tight

against my chest

and i thought

i cracked

one of my chest bones


he said

don't worry

those sticks are not as fragile as you think


and i said

i am too fragile


and he said

something else but i don't remember what

because

his arms were wrapped around me

and i was

already fast

asleep.

if this war inside my head won't take a day off i'll be dead

to be honest, i'm not really loving today.

i have not really had a chance to write till now and even know i kind of shouldn't be but i am.

that's just the way it is.


today i am resisting

i don't like where i am


and i know that fighting it is only making it worse, you know, but like it's on such a guttural level


it's giving me a headache-- like my internal dialogue.

it's really loud

and it's not letting up


i'm just trying to like, ignore it, you know, but like when you ignore big things that like, you feel deep inside yourself-- it causes fucked up physical things.

i know this.

i know this very well.

so i guess what i have to say to my inner self today

is

that i hear you

i hear you and i promise to do something about it

not right this moment

but soon

i'm not ignoring you

i'm just not ready

okay dear self?

i will get there

i will get there

that i will promise you.

with love,

your outer self

xo xo xo

summertime and the livin is easy fish are jumpin and the cotton is high

summer mornings

i have

breakfast

on the deck

with my mother


good morning

mrs. redmond

she says

to our neighbor

who always seems to be

hanging

out the laundry


we sit

side by side

at the white plastic table

the wide

lattice straps

of the chairs

digging

into the backs of our thighs


i swing my legs

back and forth

because

my feet

don't touch the ground


we eat

grapefruits

or bowls of cereal

and

my mother

always

drinks tea

with milk and sugar


sometimes i have tea

and sometimes i don't


my mother

doesn't really

follow the rules

in the summer


she lets me

go outside

without any shoes

and she doesn't

make me

brush my hair

(at least not before breakfast)


still

she always

uses a napkin

to carefully collect

the crumbs

from her toast


the funny thing

about napkins

is that with every gentle

summer breeze

they try

to fly away


our neighborhood

is mostly quiet

except for

the birds and crickets


i notice

every ant

every bee

every spider


there is a spider

that spins

her

web

between mrs. redmond's house

and ours


every day

we knock it down

and every morning

it's been spun again

sprinkled with

drops of dew

that glisten

in the morning sun


i think to myself

doesn't that spider

sleep?


i hope i never

see that spider

unless

my dad is home


my dad

isn't afraid of spiders

you know

he isn't really afraid

of anything

i think


neither is my

brother

he's not even

afraid

of mrs. redmond's

dog

(and he seems pretty mean)


my brother

is the strongest

kid

on our block


he doesn't say anything

twice


i go where he goes

not really because he wants me to

but

because i can


in the summer

we get to

stay out late

and play

whiffle ball in the street


sometimes

we even get italian ice

from the truck that drives by our house


my dad usually gets lemon

so does my mom

sometimes she gets chocolate though

and i always get raspberry

only

the problem with raspberry

is that if you don't eat it fast enough

it melts

and

it makes a stain if you spill


a lot of times

if i can't finish

my dad

finishes

mine


when we come in

my mother tells us

not to

let in any moths


the moths

hover

by the light

shining

above our front door


we take

baths

and my mother

dries my hair

while

my dad and brother

watch tv


i don't know what time it is

when our family

goes to sleep


but we sleep

together

under our roof

under a sky full of stars

and if you get the choice to sit it out or dance.....i hope you dance

i saw these flowers the other day- i guess they're called orange stars or something.  i like them and i can't stop thinking about them.

i've felt this coming on for a couple of weeks now....the low level sadness that hangs over this time of year.  spring-- the season of rebirth, regrowth-- for me, is a season of loss.  i mean, with every loss there is the opportunity for rebirth and regrowth, it's just not like, i don't know.  it's just not easy to see it that way i guess.

all those years................god all those fucking years

today i'm just going to feel the sadness and know that tomorrow the sun will rise again and it will be a new day.

15 years

fifteen years ago today