remember that story thumbalina about the girl who was so little that she slept on a rose petal?
i wish i was her.
sometimes i wish i could sit down in the palm of my boyfriends hand so he could tuck me away from the world and carry me safely in his pocket
other times i wish i could be a little fairy fluttering from his shoulder to his neck, whispering into his ear
in the course of a regular day, i forget how special he is and because we have been together for so long now, i take him for granted
since we are so comfortable together and i am so relaxed around him-- he often deals with the worst of me. that makes me sad. because the truth is-- i want him to experience the best of me. (not to say that he doesn't-- i just know that it's not enough).
i am going to make it a conscious effort on my part, no matter how tired or stressed out i am, to choose love. to always choose love.
things i love about him:
his hands
how he always wakes up happy in the morning
the way he can turn anything into an adventure
his sense of playfulness
he is not afraid of anything physical
the way he thinks that everything is possible
his faith
hmmm i really didn't think this post was going to turn out this way. i'm kind of considering deleting it. but it is what it is right? xo
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
cuz i'm young and i'm easily bored
it is so much easier to wake up when the sun is shining. i love being out on the street early- when no one else is around-- when no one else is even awake.
i went to the gym and listened to the same song 4x while i was running. i do that sometimes-- i get really obsessed with a song and listen to it on repeat for like, a week and then get totally sick of it. bored.
boredom is my biggest obsticle-- i'm constantly struggling with feeling bored. i don't like routine, repetition or review.....and becaue of that i'm always kind of mentally checked out.
boredom-- that's what gets me into trouble. i get punchy and a little reckless just to shake things up. i like to shake things up. i feel better when things aren't so "connect the dots". spontaniety, disorder, chaos......that's where i come from.
i was going to write that order feels suffocating but what that really means that i have a fear of making commitments and this is true. i'm not commited to anything-- even if it appears otherwise....... as much as i don't like it, i understand that sometimes i have to color inside the lines.
so i wake up. i go to the gym. i go to work. i kiss my boyfriend when i get home. i color inside the lines. on the outside.
inside i'm throwing paint, dancing around the fire wearing bells and feathers, worshiping the sun and praying for rain......
cuz i'm young...........and i'm easily bored
i went to the gym and listened to the same song 4x while i was running. i do that sometimes-- i get really obsessed with a song and listen to it on repeat for like, a week and then get totally sick of it. bored.
boredom is my biggest obsticle-- i'm constantly struggling with feeling bored. i don't like routine, repetition or review.....and becaue of that i'm always kind of mentally checked out.
boredom-- that's what gets me into trouble. i get punchy and a little reckless just to shake things up. i like to shake things up. i feel better when things aren't so "connect the dots". spontaniety, disorder, chaos......that's where i come from.
i was going to write that order feels suffocating but what that really means that i have a fear of making commitments and this is true. i'm not commited to anything-- even if it appears otherwise....... as much as i don't like it, i understand that sometimes i have to color inside the lines.
so i wake up. i go to the gym. i go to work. i kiss my boyfriend when i get home. i color inside the lines. on the outside.
inside i'm throwing paint, dancing around the fire wearing bells and feathers, worshiping the sun and praying for rain......
cuz i'm young...........and i'm easily bored
Friday, February 24, 2012
nothing means a thing to me no nothing means a thing to me
11:49 am friday
officially checked out
i'm kind of done with other people not holding up to their respective responsibilities. i used to care. i over cared. i wanted everyone to be happy and everything to be perfect and if i had to, i would do everything myself.
this changes now.
i took an inventory of my life at the moment and realized: i don't care
i don't care if everyone in the whole world is mad at me, or hates me-- they'll get over it eventually and if they don't, good, i'll finally be left alone.
i don't care what happens with the lease on my apartment-- whatever it is, i can deal with it.
i don't care if i get replaced-- i'm sure there is a place for me somewhere
i don't care what i do, where i go, what i say...........it doesn't matter. the sun is still going to rise and it's still going to set and the world is going to keep turning.
it's time to stop holding my breath and praying for things to change.
this time i am just going to let go and let change do it's fucking thing.
i don't care.
officially checked out
i'm kind of done with other people not holding up to their respective responsibilities. i used to care. i over cared. i wanted everyone to be happy and everything to be perfect and if i had to, i would do everything myself.
this changes now.
i took an inventory of my life at the moment and realized: i don't care
i don't care if everyone in the whole world is mad at me, or hates me-- they'll get over it eventually and if they don't, good, i'll finally be left alone.
i don't care what happens with the lease on my apartment-- whatever it is, i can deal with it.
i don't care if i get replaced-- i'm sure there is a place for me somewhere
i don't care what i do, where i go, what i say...........it doesn't matter. the sun is still going to rise and it's still going to set and the world is going to keep turning.
it's time to stop holding my breath and praying for things to change.
this time i am just going to let go and let change do it's fucking thing.
i don't care.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
some days it seems like nowhere is far enough away
interrupted i start in the middle it's okay i'm excused from the rules
sometimes i wonder if i'm even awake
i forget to look where i'm going i forget everything lost in my thoughts but i'm not lost i try to tell myself-- i'm right here
here wherever here is however i got here on this corner where x marks the spot it's time to choose but i've got no sense of direction i'm not even sure i care where i end up i have everything i need in my left pocket not even sure why i'm carrying this bag because its mine i guess
i've always felt safe on the city streets where no one cares who the fuck i am no obligations or responsibilities i'm free to go
i'm on the go on the run for nearly 14 years i cannot make up my mind i just don't want anything
when i was a little girl i used to spin spin around and around until i was dizzy it didn't make sense then and it doesn't make sense now
why i can't feel anything
sometimes i wonder if i'm even awake
i forget to look where i'm going i forget everything lost in my thoughts but i'm not lost i try to tell myself-- i'm right here
here wherever here is however i got here on this corner where x marks the spot it's time to choose but i've got no sense of direction i'm not even sure i care where i end up i have everything i need in my left pocket not even sure why i'm carrying this bag because its mine i guess
i've always felt safe on the city streets where no one cares who the fuck i am no obligations or responsibilities i'm free to go
i'm on the go on the run for nearly 14 years i cannot make up my mind i just don't want anything
when i was a little girl i used to spin spin around and around until i was dizzy it didn't make sense then and it doesn't make sense now
why i can't feel anything
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
hangin' 'round downtown by myself and i had too much caffeine
waking up early walking down eighth avenue passed abingdon square passed flowers that i like and will not buy i get coffee knowing that i will not finish it i like it the way it smells the way it feels warm in my hands
bleeker to cornelia (one of my favorite morning streets) i walk this walk again my mind is steps ahead of me
west fourth washington square park i stop i sit i think i may even drink my coffee who cares
la guardia place i get one to go and wander wonder
west broadway wooster greene mercer when i used to be somebody worthwhile
i stop and look at the door but never go in i never go in keep walking keep breathing i say to myself it doesn't matter now what's done is done it hurts i know i know don't think about it i try to make myself believe i can keep it away pretend it never happened but it did i was i'm not anymore
can't get lost i know these streets too well they look like me in the morning when they're empty and left alone
broome passed mulberry passed mott passed orchard ludlow
shhh don't tell on ludlow i lived a different life than the one that i live now
essex delancy i'm still nursing that coffee tired of holding it it's getting late and i'm not ready i laugh knowing that i will never be ready still walking wbb for a moment i catch up i am present the water pacifies me lulles me to a quiet place wherever that is i'll get there someday
bleeker to cornelia (one of my favorite morning streets) i walk this walk again my mind is steps ahead of me
west fourth washington square park i stop i sit i think i may even drink my coffee who cares
la guardia place i get one to go and wander wonder
west broadway wooster greene mercer when i used to be somebody worthwhile
i stop and look at the door but never go in i never go in keep walking keep breathing i say to myself it doesn't matter now what's done is done it hurts i know i know don't think about it i try to make myself believe i can keep it away pretend it never happened but it did i was i'm not anymore
can't get lost i know these streets too well they look like me in the morning when they're empty and left alone
broome passed mulberry passed mott passed orchard ludlow
shhh don't tell on ludlow i lived a different life than the one that i live now
essex delancy i'm still nursing that coffee tired of holding it it's getting late and i'm not ready i laugh knowing that i will never be ready still walking wbb for a moment i catch up i am present the water pacifies me lulles me to a quiet place wherever that is i'll get there someday
Thursday, February 16, 2012
you're just somebody that i used to know
isn't it weird how people you knew become people you used to know?
like this guy that i went to school with-- we had classes together but we weren't really friends. i mean, maybe we were friends in that kind of outside the lines kind of way.....
anyway- years after highschool-- after college even-- we reconnected and dated briefly but it didn't work out. i was a pretty little tragedy at that point and ended things face to face taking full responsibilty for why the relationship had run it's course.
that was then.
now he keeps coming up on my fbp under "people you may know" so i sent him a friend request. why not, right? we indeed know each other.....but he did not accept. did this make me feel bad? honestly, not really- but it did make me question why somebody i knew, became somebody that i used to know.
it is so easy to pass judgement, to not agree with someone's decisions/actions, to believe that we could have or would have done things differently. but what if we all see each other with compassion and know that everybody is exactly where they need to be on their journey. that they are doing the best that they can at that moment and that who and where they are is divinely perfect. that's love.
love: that's where it's at. and that's the lesson in forgiveness for today. check out that miracle.
like this guy that i went to school with-- we had classes together but we weren't really friends. i mean, maybe we were friends in that kind of outside the lines kind of way.....
anyway- years after highschool-- after college even-- we reconnected and dated briefly but it didn't work out. i was a pretty little tragedy at that point and ended things face to face taking full responsibilty for why the relationship had run it's course.
that was then.
now he keeps coming up on my fbp under "people you may know" so i sent him a friend request. why not, right? we indeed know each other.....but he did not accept. did this make me feel bad? honestly, not really- but it did make me question why somebody i knew, became somebody that i used to know.
it is so easy to pass judgement, to not agree with someone's decisions/actions, to believe that we could have or would have done things differently. but what if we all see each other with compassion and know that everybody is exactly where they need to be on their journey. that they are doing the best that they can at that moment and that who and where they are is divinely perfect. that's love.
love: that's where it's at. and that's the lesson in forgiveness for today. check out that miracle.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
dont't ask why....16 candles down the drain
june 1st will be 16 years since it happened
16 candles down the drain
it can feel that way sometimes- like my life in present tense is a direct result of what happened on that day. every circumstance that followed was like fall-out and for the most part, i don't really know how i got here.
i would like to think that one event would not define my entire life-- but it did. i was scared and just did not know how to deal. period. end of story.
it was a flat line for me......and i didn't think there was a way up or a way out. i was just crossing days off of the calendar.....faking my way throught the day and wasting time.
16 candles down the drain.
this morning i woke up and didn't go to the gym. i just stayed in bed-- under the blankets- slightly cold, listening to the birds chirping. spring is on the way. i could almost feel a soft breeze in my hair and grass under my skin....and i felt genuinely happy.
life is good. don't get me wrong-- situations can totally suck-- hours, days, years can be relentless but the someday the sun will rise and the birds will chirp and you will feel the grass on your skin and know that you are totally fucking supporting by universe and you will feel warmth from the inside out and know that life is good.
it might take 16 years.......but if it can happen for me. it can happen for you.
16 candles down the drain
it can feel that way sometimes- like my life in present tense is a direct result of what happened on that day. every circumstance that followed was like fall-out and for the most part, i don't really know how i got here.
i would like to think that one event would not define my entire life-- but it did. i was scared and just did not know how to deal. period. end of story.
it was a flat line for me......and i didn't think there was a way up or a way out. i was just crossing days off of the calendar.....faking my way throught the day and wasting time.
16 candles down the drain.
this morning i woke up and didn't go to the gym. i just stayed in bed-- under the blankets- slightly cold, listening to the birds chirping. spring is on the way. i could almost feel a soft breeze in my hair and grass under my skin....and i felt genuinely happy.
life is good. don't get me wrong-- situations can totally suck-- hours, days, years can be relentless but the someday the sun will rise and the birds will chirp and you will feel the grass on your skin and know that you are totally fucking supporting by universe and you will feel warmth from the inside out and know that life is good.
it might take 16 years.......but if it can happen for me. it can happen for you.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
i'm so tired but i can't sleep
i am so tired. seriously- i could probably sleep for days.
it's not even like i'm physically tired-- more like mentally exhausted. lately there are so many things to do in a 24 hour period that half way through the day i go on cruise control and just kind of "check out".... it's so not like me.
i've always been the over achiever. the one who takes care of things and gets things done but i am totally burning out.
in the last two weeks i find myself daydreaming about being taken care of in a variety of ways: at work, in my relationships, by the universe. ultimately i know that this longing for my pillow is really a longing for the meditation pillow. it's time to sit my ass down and receive, right?
breathe. calm the fuck down. that is what my inner voice is telling me.
so i'm listening-- was trying to take a fiver at work right now to get clear....but someone just turned on the tv right next to my desk and the chaos continues....... xo xo xo
it's not even like i'm physically tired-- more like mentally exhausted. lately there are so many things to do in a 24 hour period that half way through the day i go on cruise control and just kind of "check out".... it's so not like me.
i've always been the over achiever. the one who takes care of things and gets things done but i am totally burning out.
in the last two weeks i find myself daydreaming about being taken care of in a variety of ways: at work, in my relationships, by the universe. ultimately i know that this longing for my pillow is really a longing for the meditation pillow. it's time to sit my ass down and receive, right?
breathe. calm the fuck down. that is what my inner voice is telling me.
so i'm listening-- was trying to take a fiver at work right now to get clear....but someone just turned on the tv right next to my desk and the chaos continues....... xo xo xo
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
i'm moody, i'm messy, i get restless and defenseless....
my to do list is like 1000 miles long
i keept telling myself that i will deal with it tomorrow but then "tomorrow" becomes next week and then next month and that's how i miss birthdays and accrue late fees.....
the truth is that i just don't want to deal with things. i don't want to be responsible for anything other than remembering to breathe. everything else just feels like bullshit.
i've never been good at remembering details...at tending to the little things that keep the big things in order.
right now i feel like i need to actually put the things that i need to do in writing somewhere:
- morning prayer
- gym
- mediate/free write
- eat healthy
- work productively
- practice gratitude
- be in the moment
- yoga/dance
- write/work on my book
- connect with friends
- love
- meditate
- pray
- release the blocks in all areas of my life where i'm living small
there......i kind of like that list.
i keept telling myself that i will deal with it tomorrow but then "tomorrow" becomes next week and then next month and that's how i miss birthdays and accrue late fees.....
the truth is that i just don't want to deal with things. i don't want to be responsible for anything other than remembering to breathe. everything else just feels like bullshit.
i've never been good at remembering details...at tending to the little things that keep the big things in order.
right now i feel like i need to actually put the things that i need to do in writing somewhere:
- morning prayer
- gym
- mediate/free write
- eat healthy
- work productively
- practice gratitude
- be in the moment
- yoga/dance
- write/work on my book
- connect with friends
- love
- meditate
- pray
- release the blocks in all areas of my life where i'm living small
there......i kind of like that list.
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