i feel strangely numb. like i heard my life repeated back to me and i have nothing to say about it. it just is.
he talks about this feeling of "deadness"-- this "who cares" kind of attitude-- the one that i so often can't shake.
if there is anything that i say to myself on a daily basis it's "i don't care" or "who cares". i've written about it. here. i'm sure.
sometimes i amaze myself that i even get out of bed in the morning. that i get anything done at all. i could look at a glass of water that i've left on my night stand for days before i ever decide to move it. who cares i ask. i don't care. i'll deal with it tomorrow.
even the smallest things feel hard......... most people wouldn't think that moving a glass of water 15 steps from the bedroom to the sink is something that they have to "deal" with.
yeah. that could make you feel heavy. that can weigh you down.
i remember telling someone that from my point of view-- i'm often moving in slow motion while the world turns in ludacris speed. i will never catch up. (but who cares? i don't care).
there is this disconnect- you know, between me and like, everything. i know it exists but i'm not sure what to do about it-- or if i even care.
do you know how many days have gone by?
hypervigilance is exhausting. i'll write about that someday. but for today i'll just say that last night i let myself sleep. like i just closed my eyes and i let myself fall asleep and it felt good. it feels so good not to care. at all.
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