i've weighed nearly the same amount for about eight years now
for eight years my clothing size is 0
0 = zero, nothing, no space
but in the last year, i've gained about ten pounds. i'm almost kind of afraid to write that. here. on the internet. where it will be published and (probably) never erased.
if i'm really gonna go there- then i'll go there.
today i hate myself.
i hate myself for allowing 10 extra pounds to sit on my hips and thighs.
when i look at myself in the mirror- i kind of feel sick. like i want to erase myself. like i can't be.
i am so not okay with these extra pounds. i know that they don't change who i am but they change how i look and i'm not okay with that.
i just want to be small. i want to be smaller than small-- i want to be like, oh my god, she is like, reaaally skinny.
that's like the most important thing to me in my whole life. and like, i don't want to "wait" for this "weight" to go away. i want it gone now. i look at myself and i'm embarrassed that i've been indulgent or taking more than i need-- that i've been out of control. careless.
but i do care.
i really fucking care.
like i care so much that i hate getting dressed and i hate being me right now.
and i'm scared, you know. like i'm scared that i won't be able to loses the weight. what if i can't lose it and i actually gain more? i can't. like. i can't.
i don't know if anybody really gets that. i mean- people can read these words but i don't think they can understand the fear i feel.
whatever. i can't write anything else. i mean i can but i'm done sharing.
Um, yes. Try being a big fat fatty 180. And that's after losing 40 lbs on Weight Watchers. Yes, fatty magoo weighed 220 when she started WW. I imagine you'd have thrown yourself off a bridge by now if you had to live inside my body.
ReplyDeleteIf there's anything that losing 40 lbs taught me, it's that I can still hate my body even when its smaller. In fact, I probably hate it more now.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, yes. Other people understand body hate all too well. And I know this doesn't sink in as I know many skinny people who freak out over being bigger than they want (but who are not actually big) but you are smaller than most people (myself most definitely included) will ever be.
Oh, and btw I work out 6 days a week, including recent half marathon training, so the next skinny person who tells me that all it takes is a little working out gets punched in the fucking face.
ReplyDeleteI am so damn sick of people assuming I don't work out because I'm fat. When I work out, I do a whole lot more than phoning in 20 minutes on the elliptical, too, I'll have you know.