i think it was an evening in 1994 when it happened. it was a big deal. it was all over the news- it was all anybody was talking about. why? you know. and how? people wanted to know why and how.
there was a lot of fear.
law enforcement officials proposed to re-write laws. they were determined to prevent this from happening again- but what they found is that no law could have protected people. nobody could have predicted it. nothing could have prevented it.
there was a lot of fear.
my parents existed on fear... my parents didn't necessarily impose rules on us that we had to obey - they mostly chose to scare the shit out of us, hoping that it would prevent us from danger. in a way, it kind of worked- but for me, that fear perpetuated more fear.
by the time i was in my twenties and living in midtown, i hadn't taken the subway in years. i measured time in panic attacks. how long they lasted. how long until the next one. not only were other people "dangerous" but my body felt "dangerous" too. having experienced several life changing health issues- i was convinced that i was in immanent danger all the time.
bad things happen that are out of my control and danger looms everywhere. that was the story i was told. that was the story i told myself. that was the only story i knew.
there was a lot of fear.
i don't really remember how it happened- but i didn't want to be afraid anymore and i knew that coming from the place i was in-- living without fear would be nothing short of a miracle.
a course in miracles states "show the slightest willingness, and a thousand angels rush in to help"- and they did. they came in many forms: a teacher, a book, a song, an experience-- and they continue to come.
i live in the world in a much different way now-- learning more and more to not be afraid to take up space. i have found peace knowing that the worst fucking shit can happen-- and somehow we survive. people survive. i survived.
i survived but more importantly- i'm okay. happy.
unlike taylor swift-- i am not fearless. at least not yet.
by the time i was in my twenties and living in midtown, i hadn't taken the subway in years. i measured time in panic attacks. how long they lasted. how long until the next one. not only were other people "dangerous" but my body felt "dangerous" too. having experienced several life changing health issues- i was convinced that i was in immanent danger all the time.
bad things happen that are out of my control and danger looms everywhere. that was the story i was told. that was the story i told myself. that was the only story i knew.
there was a lot of fear.
i don't really remember how it happened- but i didn't want to be afraid anymore and i knew that coming from the place i was in-- living without fear would be nothing short of a miracle.
a course in miracles states "show the slightest willingness, and a thousand angels rush in to help"- and they did. they came in many forms: a teacher, a book, a song, an experience-- and they continue to come.
i live in the world in a much different way now-- learning more and more to not be afraid to take up space. i have found peace knowing that the worst fucking shit can happen-- and somehow we survive. people survive. i survived.
i survived but more importantly- i'm okay. happy.
unlike taylor swift-- i am not fearless. at least not yet.
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