oh you probably won't remember me, it's probably ancient history, i'm one of the chosen few who went ahead and fell for you

last night on the way home i was on the g train and this guy....he stood next to me and he kind of reminded me of you.

he didn't look like you-- not that i know what you look like anymore..... or even really remember what you used to look like.  it wasn't anything specific but like, something about him, like the way he was standing and like his hair from the back- kind of reminded me of you.

you. 

to me you are cigarettes, work boots, and a red pick up truck.  to me you are stolen kisses, car rides and walking in the dark.  late night phone calls........yeah, that's who you are to me.

and i'm not mad at you- at least not anymore.  i mean, i guess i was never mad at you, i was just hurt, you know, because of the way things turned out.  and i never really had the chance to tell you, like anything.

i didn't know what i was doing-- like, with you.  maybe i was confusing feeling "being cared for" with "being cared about".  i'm not really sure what you wanted from me and obviously i was not clear about what i wanted from you.  i mean, it wasn't the same thing-- what we wanted from each other.

just so you know-- there was nothing that i wanted more than for someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay--that i was going to be okay-- and even though you never really said it, when i was with you, that is how i felt.

so i guess thank you, you know, like for that.  it might not seem like such a big deal but because of you i was able to sleep again.  so i guess thank you for that too. 

and i can forgive and forget about the other stuff.  the way you were careless with my heart.  but sometimes i wish i had the chance to ask you if you knew-- like if you knew the whole time you were going to leave a scar.

i heard from someone, that you are not well and like, i want to tell you that you'll be okay.  i tried to-- but like, you blocked me.  and i get it, you know, like i get the way it is but that doesn't mean you don't exist.

some times i kind of hope that i will run into you like in the supermarket or at the bank-- and i will tell you how you broke my heart and then i will put my arms around you anyway.  i will remind you that who you are is not who you've been.  and you will watch me as i walk away and think "i cannot believe i let her go".....

we would have been better off as friends.

then we wouldn't have to act like strangers. 

i don't know you and you don't know me.

and you will never ever read this.

i don't ever wanna feel like i did that day take me to the place i love take me all the way

we left early and walked over the bridge

it's like this thing we do

you + i


i couldn't stop talking

but you

were unusually quiet


walking beside you

i'm not sure where you are

because

i can feel the distance

between your steps


maybe you would rather

be alone today

maybe i would

too


i'm not afraid of being alone

i'm not afraid of heights

and i'm not afraid of water

if i could

i would walk along the edge

the edge of here and there


i don't know where i'm going

and i'm pretty sure

neither do you


i guess we both just keep going

don't we?


we'll cross that bridge once we get to it

yes we will

we always do

in the morning

in the evening

we've walked this walk before


time just takes us around in circles

wherever we go

we always come back

together

you + i


whatever you see

when you look at me

is probably wrong

and i'm sorry for that

especially

when

you

smile


maybe you would still want

to hold my hand

if i was special

someone more special

than me


we walked

together

separate

apart



we'll cross that bridge when we get to it

no you can't take it, no you can't take it, no you can't take that away from me

just in case you were wondering-- that sentence, the one you shot across the room to me-- that's when i checked out for today.

i'm not giving you what you want.  i'm just not.  i knew that from the very beginning which is the major source of tension between us.

yeah- i guess i've been through a lot.  maybe i look weak.  maybe i look easy to manipulate?  i don't know.  

i mean.  yeah.  i'm not anything that you think.  i am not what i do.  i am not who i date.  i am not where i'm from.

i get that.  do you?

this thing that we do-- this like, choreographed interaction where you read your lines and i read mine-- let's just stick to the script.  okay?





you think you own me but you don't.

come as you are, as you were, as i want you to be, as a friend, as an old enemy

i've weighed nearly the same amount for about eight years now

for eight years my clothing size is 0

0 = zero, nothing, no space

but in the last year, i've gained about ten pounds.  i'm almost kind of afraid to write that.  here.  on the internet.  where it will be published and (probably) never erased.

if i'm really gonna go there- then i'll go there.

today i hate myself.

i hate myself for allowing 10 extra pounds to sit on my hips and thighs.

when i look at myself in the mirror- i kind of feel sick.  like i want to erase myself.  like i can't be.

i am so not okay with these extra pounds.  i know that they don't change who i am but they change how i look and i'm not okay with that.

i just want to be small.  i want to be smaller than small-- i want to be like, oh my god, she is like, reaaally skinny.

that's like the most important thing to me in my whole life.  and like, i don't want to "wait" for this "weight" to go away.  i want it gone now.  i look at myself and i'm embarrassed that i've been indulgent or taking more than i need-- that i've been out of control.  careless.

but i do care.

i really fucking care.

like i care so much that i hate getting dressed and i hate being me right now.

and i'm scared, you know.  like i'm scared that i won't be able to loses the weight.  what if i can't lose it and i actually gain more?  i can't.  like.  i can't.

i don't know if anybody really gets that.  i mean- people can read these words but i don't think they can understand the fear i feel.

whatever.  i can't write anything else.  i mean i can but i'm done sharing.

everybody's dancing in a ring around the sun nobody's finished we aint even begun

sometimes

when it rains

i want to stand in it


i want to

close my eyes

and

open my arms

and let the rain soak me

from head to toe


feel my wet hair

stuck to my neck

feel my wet clothes

stuck to my skin


what would it feel like

to twirl around

and around

letting the little tiny drops

bounce

off my skirt

and into the

air


i'm not grown up

i mean

i'm just not


every spring

i cannot wait

to take off my shoes

and run through the grass

shouting

it's coming

it's coming

summer is coming


and when it rains

i want to stand

outside in it

laughing

dancing

dirty and free

uninhibited


with my feet on the ground

and my arms in the sky

i don't question

who i am

what i should do

where i belong

i know

i know

i KNOW


late one night

i will

escape

our picture perfect life

and i will take his hand


he thinks i'm crazy

dancing in the street

celebrating

that summer is on it's way

i laugh at loud

and i don't care

someday he will let go too


that's the only way you really fall

into

the

warm

summer

sun

i don't know why but with you i dance in a storm in my best dress

there was a coffee shop that i used to go to in high school.  it was downtown.  i didn't drink coffee yet but i had time to kill in between classes so i would go there mostly to read.

i think it was an evening in 1994 when it happened.  it was a big deal.  it was all over the news- it was all anybody was talking about. why?  you know.  and how?  people wanted to know why and how.

there was a lot of fear.

law enforcement officials proposed to re-write laws.  they were determined to prevent this from happening again- but what they found is that no law could have protected people.  nobody could have predicted it.  nothing could have prevented it.  

there was a lot of fear.

my parents existed on fear... my parents didn't necessarily impose rules on us that we had to obey - they mostly chose to scare the shit out of us, hoping that it would prevent us from danger.  in a way, it kind of worked- but for me, that fear perpetuated more fear.

by the time i was in my twenties and living in midtown, i hadn't taken the subway in years.  i measured time in panic attacks.  how long they lasted.  how long until the next one.  not only were other people "dangerous" but my body felt "dangerous" too.  having experienced several life changing health issues- i was convinced that i was in immanent danger all the time.

bad things happen that are out of my control and danger looms everywhere.  that was the story i was told.  that was the story i told myself.  that was the only story i knew.

there was a lot of fear.

i don't really remember how it happened- but i didn't want to be afraid anymore and i knew that coming from the place i was in-- living without fear would be nothing short of a miracle.

a course in miracles states "show the slightest willingness, and a thousand angels rush in to help"- and they did.  they came in many forms: a teacher, a book, a song, an experience-- and they continue to come.

i live in the world in a much different way now-- learning more and more to not be afraid to take up space.  i have found peace knowing that the worst fucking shit can happen-- and somehow we survive.  people survive.  i survived.

i survived but more importantly- i'm okay.  happy.

unlike taylor swift-- i am not fearless.  at least not yet.

when we're all in the mood for a melody you've got us feeling alright

i REALLY want to go see bill brown's piano concert tonight.

i've got something to say you know but nothing comes

not really in the mood to write today.  i'm having one of those days where i don't really feel like myself.  like i'm outside of myself kind of.

i think i'm just tired.

maybe i'll write more later if i get a second wind.

xo

every step you take every move you make i'll be watching you

last night at like 10PM i started feeling really anxious.  like i thought i was dying.

there was nothing really wrong with me, but i just didn't feel good.  or something.  i don't know.

something inside of my body was screaming pay attention.

i couldn't relax.

it was close to midnight when i finally dosed off.....only to sit up gasping in terror.  he asked me what was wrong but i didn't know what to tell him.

i'm afraid that i'm not okay?  what kind of an answer is that?

but the truth is that i was really afraid and i couldn't sleep.  i didn't want to sleep.  i wanted to stay awake, alert, aware.

this is hypervigilance.

staying up.  watching.  waiting.  wondering if i'm going to be okay.

anyway.

i feel like shit today.  leftover anxiety mixed with exhaustion.  i don't trust the universe.  not today.

not even god takes this long to get back so get back

just listened to adam carolla's podcast about living in a joyless environment and hypervigilance.

http://mentalpod.com/archives/443

i feel strangely numb.  like i heard my life repeated back to me and i have nothing to say about it.  it just is.

he talks about this feeling of "deadness"-- this "who cares" kind of attitude-- the one that i so often can't shake.

if there is anything that i say to myself on a daily basis it's "i don't care" or "who cares".  i've written about it.  here.  i'm sure.

sometimes i amaze myself that i even get out of bed in the morning.  that i get anything done at all.  i could look at a glass of water that i've left on my night stand for days before i ever decide to move it. who cares i ask.  i don't care.  i'll deal with it tomorrow.

even the smallest things feel hard.........  most people wouldn't think that moving a glass of water 15 steps from the bedroom to the sink is something that they have to "deal" with.

yeah.  that could make you feel heavy.  that can weigh you down.

i remember telling someone that from my point of view-- i'm often moving in slow motion while the world turns in ludacris speed.  i will never catch up.  (but who cares?  i don't care).

there is this disconnect- you know, between me and like, everything.  i know it exists but i'm not sure what to do about it-- or if i even care.  

do you know how many days have gone by?

hypervigilance is exhausting.  i'll write about that someday.  but for today i'll just say that last night i let myself sleep.  like i just closed my eyes and i let myself fall asleep and it felt good. it feels so good not to care.  at all.

if you believe they put a man on the moon

i can't wait for tonight.  tonight i have nothing to do.  i mean, i have a phone call to make, but other than that- i'm free to do nothing but relax and rest.

yay.

seriously i need down time.  i have been running and running even more on empty.  

when i lived alone i felt like i had so much free time-- too much free time.  probably because i didn't go to sleep until 3am.  i've always functioned on too little sleep.  night time is my time.

even though i've been up since 6am, nothing really makes sense until about 5pm.  sunshine hours are like my "happy dream" time when everything seems a little bit fuzzy like the beach on a hazy morning.

once the sun goes down i can concentrate-- think with clarity.  

there is this artist, david delmare, who paints my daydreams (my imaginary life).  i had one of his posters on my wall for years of the fairy staring at the moon.  

when i was little i wanted to marry the man in the moon.

when i was in high school, i dated this guy who liked REM (lyrics referenced in blog title)

i can't wait until summer.