i'm remembering the smell of my broken in ballet slippers with the split sole and all of the holes. the way they feel on my feet, kind of sticky and like- perfect.
not that i would (go to a ballet class right now)-- i don't think i could stand the sight of myself in a leotard or even with my hair pulled back. i couldn't look at myself in the mirror like that. reflecting back to me everything i don't want to deal with now.
i wish i could go to a ballet class right now-- only in my ripped black tights and my cut off black sweatpants with the holes in the crotch and a hoodie. let me disappear in my clothes. let me disappear.
it doesn't matter where i sleep or where my things are-- there are only two places that i could ever call home and one of them is the ballet barre.
the ballet barre smells like an old bank filled with dirty pennies-- but i'm gripping onto it for dear life. not because i have to, but because it's the only stable thing i know.
i can close my eyes and turn off my mind as my body just works ......demi demi grande and stretch. remember that? it doesn't matter how many years its been.......remember that?
i wish i could go to a ballet class right now. i don't want anybody to see me or even talk to me. just pretend i'm not even here. i want to walk in, find my spot at the barre and just start moving through the tears until i can feel my entire body again.
i know. it's my fault and i know it, okay? i fucked up. i gave up. i gave it all away.
but i can come back right?
i mean, can i?
i can't promise i'll stay. i can't even promise i'll be nice. i might even use you, you know? because i'm lost.
and like,
i don't have anywhere else to go.
demi, demi, grande and stretch
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