well maybe i'll call or write you a letter, maybe we'll see on the 4th of july, well i'm not too sure and i'm not too proud to say uh huh it was good living with you uh huh

when i was in ct, for the funeral, i couldn't sleep.  it was like 2am and i was bored so i started pulling shit out from underneath the bed.  most of it was not even mine- which kind of offended me but kind of made sense because, like, i haven't lived there since 1998.  anyway tucked against the wall was one brown box of stuff that was mine.  not the stuff that i expected but like, stuff that i had completely forgotten about.

it was from the summer of 2000.

there was a t-shirt a poster, and bunch of notebooks-- all of which contained scribbles and poems and bullshit like this.  but like on one page there was this one sentence.  it was like written on a slant and while that's pretty typcial of me (to like disregard the lines on the page) it was not my handwriting.

it was yours.

you wrote
"do you not even know how beautiful you are?"


i remember what i thought when you turned the notebook around for me to read it-- i thought
"do you not even know how painfully aware i am of my own existence?  how terrified i am of taking up space?"

it felt good to get lost in you that summer.  you called me little a and i liked it because it meant that i was small. 

you were silly and creative and in love with someone else.  i was pretty sure that when you looked at me, you saw nothing.  and for someone like me, someone who was so self concious- it was safe.  like it was safe to feel invisable.

(i just stopped writing for a minute and remembered that day in 1996 when we rolled down foss hill in the rain. and then that day in 1999 when we watched the sunrise.  it seems like another life time, doesn't it).

anyway- i don't think i ever said thank you, for like, writing something so sweet in my notebook.  now that i found it, i think i'll keep it.  like on purpose.

and more appropriately-- i found this, and i remembered what i loved about you and i hope that your life is better than good.