i don't have a title yet cuz i'm not done

there is so much stuff that like, we don't say.  

some stuff i guess we shouldn't say, like stuff that would hurt people's feelings.  but the stuff that we don't say because we are afraid of being vulnerable, or because we are afraid of being authentic, or not being cool enough........we should say that stuff.

i recently exchanged emails with someone that i used to know (better than i know them now) and like i realized that i never really told that person what they meant to me.

it wasn't something that i would have known to say when they were a part of my daily life-- it was something that i kind of realized later....but that would have been nice to share with them.  

you know, like who doesn't want to know that you think highly of them, who doesn't want to know that you're grateful for them, you doesn't want to know that you like them (or love them)?  right?

i'm like a huge fan of writing letters that i'll never send.  i've written a few of them here on my blog.  some i'll never send because i've lost contact with the person and others i won't send because i've already closed that door and it would be best to keep it closed.

yeah, i don't know why i needed to write all that to write all this:

you know, i kind of admired how you wanted to be present in the world.  in your orange pants and goggles you wanted people to see you, and know you, and hear you.

if it were up to me, i would have chosen to be invisible.  i was so uncomfortable in my own skin-- and i was terrified of taking up space.  

but something about you made me feel a little bit more comfortable being me.  i guess in some way you were (one of) the catalyst(s) -- of like me finding my authentic self.  like because of you, i became aware of how hard i was trying to be something other than myself....and because of you, i felt comfortable enough to begin uncovering the pieces of me.  

i'm not done- like with this thought.  but i have to go so i'll post it anyway.  you know who you are.

xo