happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like an animal and you smell like one too

it's my b-day.  taking a day off.  go listen to some summer songs and eat cake.

so now you're sleeping peaceful, i lie awake and pray, that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it

i just remembered how obsessed you were with follow that bird......i know you were like 3 but like, that movie sucked.

i must have just slipped your mind wonder why didn't i think of that

i think about calling you

like i look at my phone and

i think of what it would be like

to talk to you

because i remember what your voice sounds like

sort of

(or at least i pretend to)

before i put the phone down

and walk away


there is a reason why

you live your life

and i live mine


like there is a reason why

we don't speak


only i forgot

or i forget

or maybe i don't care


i'm messy

with my feelings

i'm careless

with myself


i don't put things where they belong


last night i found my socks

in a pair of shoes

that i have not worn

in weeks

i put them back

in the box

and even put the box

away in the closet


i do things like this when i cannot sleep


i agree

it's not right

the way i keep people

there

at a safe distance


maybe i just want

for you to reach me

no matter

what it takes

you know but as i write this

i think

if i let you


if i let you

it's 0 to 60 in 3.5, you got the keys, now shut up and drive

my mind is empty

or maybe i mean that my mind is like

closed for business today


i wish that i knew you right now

so that i could call you

and then you would come over

with some starbucks

to watch reruns

of buffy or the simpsons

and not even talk


sometimes i don't want to talk

i just want to be with somebody

who just knows me

inside and out


it's been too many days

of not sleeping

it's been too many days

that i could not find my new socks


can you just drive around

for as long as it takes

for me to fall asleep

in the passenger's seat

I long to tell you That I'm always thinking of you I'm always thinking of you

there is no such thing as distance

i know this

but do you?



do you know

how much you're loved


i'm not sure

that you really understand

the magnitude of your own

existence


we walk around

talking to each other

getting things done

but sometimes

we forget

to love

one another


and that is just not good enough


life is not

the size of your house

or the number on your paycheck

it is not where you've traveled

or what even what you know


life is

a return to love


praying for your safe return

i'm so tired but i can't sleep, standing on the edge of something much too deep

i feel like shit.  almost like i'm hungover or something.

obviously i'm not.

i'm just tired from the stress of yesterday.

and even though i was tired

like

i couldn't sleep

i couldn't like stay asleep last night

oh the places i've been

not physically

but mentally

the places i've been

this morning, on the way to work, i called my mother

and we talked about december 2005

i had given up

i was done

but my parents said- just try to get through the holiday

you know

and like my gift that year

was not under the christmas tree

no my gift was tt

my gift was having something to look forward to

because at that time in my life

there was nothing

there was nothing

and it's a strange fucking journey

like how you get there

and then how you get back

that's what this blog was really supposed to be

a place to get the creativity flowing again so that i could tell my story

because my story could be your story

sometimes we are all living

under a sky

without stars

but you will still find your way home

i can promise you that.

i can fucking promise you that

a.....are you okay are you okay a..... a.....are you okay a.....are you okay are you okay a.......

the hours feels like days right now

somebody to tell you that life aint passin you by i'm tryin to tell you it will if you dont even try

i've been up since like

i don't even know

did i even sleep

between yesterday and today

the hours were restless



my mind is racing

i can't concentrate

on any one specific thing

where is he?


where would he go?

what would he do?

what is he thinking?


is he okay?


please god let him be okay


we are all

praying

we are all

negotiating with the universe

trading this for that


when you think too many things at once

it's almost like you're not thinking about anything


i remember

playing baseball in the yard

when i was 11 and he was 3

and the crowd is going wild

i used to say

blowing air into my cupped palms

to make the sound of a hundred screaming fans


and the crowd is going wild


here

your crowd is going wild


i'm writing to you now

number 2


your phone is off again


this is not the way you want this to go down


footloose

footloose

kicked off your sunday shoes

please louise pull me off of my knees

jack get back c'mon before we crack

lose your blues everybody cut footloose


just turn on your phone okay?


call somebody

text somebody


call me

i am not going to lie to you

life really fucking sucks sometimes

and it can feel like one wave after another

crashing over your head

pulling you under

and all you need is air


but then you'll be like

walking home on a tuesday night

and realize that the counting crows are playing a free concert

in an old parking lot

and when you look up

and see nothing but stars

you will take the deepest breath

and you will thank god that you are alive


i can promise you that


i can fucking promise you that

i don't have a title yet cuz i'm not done

there is so much stuff that like, we don't say.  

some stuff i guess we shouldn't say, like stuff that would hurt people's feelings.  but the stuff that we don't say because we are afraid of being vulnerable, or because we are afraid of being authentic, or not being cool enough........we should say that stuff.

i recently exchanged emails with someone that i used to know (better than i know them now) and like i realized that i never really told that person what they meant to me.

it wasn't something that i would have known to say when they were a part of my daily life-- it was something that i kind of realized later....but that would have been nice to share with them.  

you know, like who doesn't want to know that you think highly of them, who doesn't want to know that you're grateful for them, you doesn't want to know that you like them (or love them)?  right?

i'm like a huge fan of writing letters that i'll never send.  i've written a few of them here on my blog.  some i'll never send because i've lost contact with the person and others i won't send because i've already closed that door and it would be best to keep it closed.

yeah, i don't know why i needed to write all that to write all this:

you know, i kind of admired how you wanted to be present in the world.  in your orange pants and goggles you wanted people to see you, and know you, and hear you.

if it were up to me, i would have chosen to be invisible.  i was so uncomfortable in my own skin-- and i was terrified of taking up space.  

but something about you made me feel a little bit more comfortable being me.  i guess in some way you were (one of) the catalyst(s) -- of like me finding my authentic self.  like because of you, i became aware of how hard i was trying to be something other than myself....and because of you, i felt comfortable enough to begin uncovering the pieces of me.  

i'm not done- like with this thought.  but i have to go so i'll post it anyway.  you know who you are.

xo

well maybe i'll call or write you a letter, maybe we'll see on the 4th of july, well i'm not too sure and i'm not too proud to say uh huh it was good living with you uh huh

when i was in ct, for the funeral, i couldn't sleep.  it was like 2am and i was bored so i started pulling shit out from underneath the bed.  most of it was not even mine- which kind of offended me but kind of made sense because, like, i haven't lived there since 1998.  anyway tucked against the wall was one brown box of stuff that was mine.  not the stuff that i expected but like, stuff that i had completely forgotten about.

it was from the summer of 2000.

there was a t-shirt a poster, and bunch of notebooks-- all of which contained scribbles and poems and bullshit like this.  but like on one page there was this one sentence.  it was like written on a slant and while that's pretty typcial of me (to like disregard the lines on the page) it was not my handwriting.

it was yours.

you wrote
"do you not even know how beautiful you are?"


i remember what i thought when you turned the notebook around for me to read it-- i thought
"do you not even know how painfully aware i am of my own existence?  how terrified i am of taking up space?"

it felt good to get lost in you that summer.  you called me little a and i liked it because it meant that i was small. 

you were silly and creative and in love with someone else.  i was pretty sure that when you looked at me, you saw nothing.  and for someone like me, someone who was so self concious- it was safe.  like it was safe to feel invisable.

(i just stopped writing for a minute and remembered that day in 1996 when we rolled down foss hill in the rain. and then that day in 1999 when we watched the sunrise.  it seems like another life time, doesn't it).

anyway- i don't think i ever said thank you, for like, writing something so sweet in my notebook.  now that i found it, i think i'll keep it.  like on purpose.

and more appropriately-- i found this, and i remembered what i loved about you and i hope that your life is better than good.

see 'em wearin' their baggies Huarache sandals, too A bushy, bushy blond hairdo Surfin' U.S.A.

iamsohappythatitshotanditssummerandiamwearingadressandflipflopsandthesunisshiningandpeoplearesmilingandit'stotallyokaytoeatmassiveamountsoficecreamandgotothebeachandgointhepoolandfirefliesandfireworksandpicnicsandladybugsandbutterfliesandbarefootandhairuncombedandslowingdownandwateranditalianiceandconeyislandandtossingandturningintheheatandthesoundofairconditionersandiceteaandicecoffeandwatermelonandsummersongslikecaliforniagirlsandcaliforniasunandundertheboardwalkandwaterparksandferriswheelsandsurfingandtanningandandandandandandandandimsohappyicouldhardlybreathesee?

22 days

hangin out down the street same old thing we did last week not a thing to do but talk to you it's all all right it's all all right

walking home

to the sound of air conditioners

i get lost

in memories of vacation

when i was young

and everything was all right


we would sit outside

our room at night

on the two white plastic chairs

placed on either side

of the air conditioner


the perfect soundtrack

to

those perfect summer nights


walking home

under the navy blue sky

the streets buzzing

with the sound of air conditioners

i feel grateful that's it's summer

and that i'm here


i couldn't be happier

than i am at this moment

you know

like happiness cannot be measured

love cannot be measured


it's not the size of the ice cream sundae

it's not the height of the wave

it's not the brightness of the sun


it's this feeling that everything is all right