grace under fire

i never really wanted a tattoo but today i kind of feel like i need one that says

grace under fire

the definition of grace is:

1.  elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action

2.  favor or goodwill

3.  mercy; clemency; pardon

waltz number 2

there are 2 people that i completely trust in this world:
my audiologist- Janis and my eye surgeon- Dr. Shabto

i have complete confidence that they know what they are talking about and that everything that they tell me is true.

if i could, i would like to bring my blanket and my pillow and curl up in one of their offices and just live there.  forever.  knowing that everything is going to be okay.

but instead, i live in an unpredictable 2 bedroom apartment in brooklyn where i lay awake at night wondering what's going to change from one minute to the next.  i breathe a shallow breath.....clutching onto anything (at the moment) that i think will keep me from falling

my instinct is to hold on but all i want to do is let go but i don't feel safe

number 2 texted me these lyrics today:
Sing a song for the disenchanted
Hum a hymn for the misdirected
A little love for the sons and daughters
shadow-sitting life in forgotten corners

and i texted number 2 back:
And I've been running around trying to find my home
Twenty years on the run trying to find my own

and then i realized that there is a third person that i trust completely.... and i felt less alone

show me a sign, to let me know you're here

I don't feel well today.

It sounds like my fear voice, telling me to worry, telling me to pay someone to take care of me (a doctor) until I feel better.

What can I do to take care of myself:
- Get enough sleep
- Make time to meditate
- Eat less sugar

If my fear voice were a child, how would I talk to it?
What am I afraid of?
I am afraid that I will not be okay.  That something will happen to my health that could be fixed if I treat it, but I'm not sure if it's real or fear so I'm putting off going to the dr and by the time I go, it might be too late.

When was this fear born?
It could have been born this weekend, when I felt overwhelmed by finances/our apartment.  It also could have been born in the last couple of days when I started thinking about meeting HSC.

How does it feel?
It feels like a pinball, hitting me in random places when I least expect it.....just when I think it's going down it bouces back up and hits me.

I am really willing to let go of this behavior-- of needed to be on high alert all the time and on guard.  Of sitting on the side lines of life because "I dont' feel good."  Every morning I pray for help......and the course says if we have the slightest willingness, angels will rush in..........

and today when I was standing on the corner of 57th and 8th, the sun suddenly shined down on me and in that moment......i felt them.  xo xo xo

lost in translation

it's hard for me to feel inspired lately.  like, i sometimes i will be doing some mundane task like taking a shower or walking down the street and my thoughts are so aligned but then i sit down at the computer and those thoughts get lost in translation somewhere between my head and my hand.

i don't know what it is about the blank page or the blank screen-- but suddenly like a reflection of the vast possibilities before me-- i feel lost.  i write and erase, i type delete.  nothing is good enough.  (i tell my ego to shut the fuck up).

there have been times in my life where creativity was overflowing and i had to write.  i wrote on napkins, the bottom of my shoes, the inside seams of my shirts. 

that was then.

now i am a restrictor.  "restrictors operate on the conviction that chaos is imminent and steps need to be taken now to minimize its impact." (g.roth)  i limit things because i think that it will limit my suffering.  at first, i just limited what i ate, but then i started limiting everything.  art.  creativity.  joy.

 life became very small. 

i had nothing to say.

i wouldn't let myself.



....things are changing.  aren't they?

New Year's Revolution

today is like, the best day ever.  i mean, not really... but kind of. 

i finally figured out how to log into my online journal.  the one that i created before there was such thing as a blog.  the one that i have not logged into since 2009. 

yeah. 

so i logged in and deleted my account. 

best.  day.  ever.

i know-- deleting an online journal probably does not seem like "best day ever" material....but the fact that my former (negative) thoughts still existed somewhere on the internet was kind of bothering me.....for like 3 years. 

now those thoughts have been erased.  (did anyone catch the significance of that statement?) 

it is time to begin a new online journal...and i promise to try to write everyday...it's my New Year's Revolution