we gotta make a decision, leave tonight or live and die this way

it's been about 20 years 

since we've last seen each other 

but you would easily recognize me 

i'm still here

i'm still her 

i trip 

i fall 

i get in my own way 

i want more for myself 

than i can do for myself 

i do many things in a day 

but nothing worth doing 

i don't do the things i intend to do 

i don't finish what i start 

i've never been good at following directions 

i never know where the fuck i am 

or how to get where i want to go 

the only thing that makes sense to me is the ocean 

i know which way is out to sea 

and which way is back to shore 

sometimes i think about walking out to the pier 

and jumping off 

would i be scared 

or would i relax into the waves 

rocking me to eternal sleep? 

if i don't figure out what i want 

if i don't make a decision 

20 more years will pass 

and i will still be here 

i will still be her

I want something else, to get me through this semi-charmed kinda life....

 It's such a shame

that it was 

you

and not me

you

had appointments on your calendar

you

had people to see and places to go

you

had things that you worked for, things to be proud of

your life had meaning

i could have gone easily

no appointments to cancel

no unfinished plans

no people left grieving

i could just as easily allowed myself to become

what i've always been

nothing

So if you're lost and on your own You can never surrender And if your path won't lead you home You can never surrender

sometimes it's a blessing

and sometimes it's a curse

that even in the most trying times

i see a glimmer of hope

so

i

just

keep

going

even if i don't know where i'm headed

perhaps i'll make it out alive

and 

perhaps

i 

won't

Never before and never since, I promise will the whole world be warm as this and as you feel it

there is a chapel on the 2nd floor

i go there every day

the hardest part is praying
- because i don't know what i want
- because i like to feel in control of things
- because i get lost in thought

i get tripped up on wanting because i identify desire with something tangible: a pony, a ring, a room with a view

but i've never really been interested in things
(believe me when i say, no job title, mode of transportation, or personal décor is going to silence the inner chatter)

what i really want is to feel differently

instead of feeling all of the A's (anxious, alone, afraid, etc) i want to feel:
- well rested & refreshed
- safe & warm
- nourished & inspired
- appreciated & cherished
- grateful & fulfilled
- curious & childlike (translation: seeing the magic in the first snowfall of the season)
- peaceful & free
- loved & supported
- kind & generous


sometimes i just overthink things.  i already feel all of those feelings in various parts of my life.  i simply need to appreciate them and live more in that space. 

and if the hardest part is asking/praying for what i want, then that means for the next 10 days i'm going to practice being grateful for what i already have. 

and that is what we're going to do on sunday

when i find my peace of mind, i'm gonna give you some of my good time

This doesn't have to be perfect.

I'm thinking and over thinking each word I type.  Deleting.  Censoring.  Revising.

But there is no right way to write this blog post. 

The expectation is simple: release the thoughts that are taking up too much space.


In no particular order.
It's been 59 days since I've seen the ocean. 
I don't like who I am when I'm anxious and controlling.
I want to control things.
I want to be perfect.

Even now, I can't write freely.  I can't write the way that I used to.  This disconnect between my brain and my fingers has lasted for decades now.  It's exhausting. 

What would it feel like to let go of everything?  To stop micro managing, to stop investing in the outcome?

His problems will no longer by my problems.

There won't be so much stuff.

I won't care what people think.

I'm going to meditate now.





 

it's all about taking the easy way out i suppose

i won't talk.  my thoughts feel too disorganized.  messy and out of control.  nothing comes out right.  from my mouth or my pen.  it's frustrating but i'm too used to it to put up a fight.

resistance makes everything harder.  heavier than it already is.  so i surrender.  i always surrender.

saturday i fell asleep on my brother's sofa, my niece curled up beside me.  why is she sleeping, she kept asking, but i couldn't muster up the desire to get up.  sunday i got up twice-- the first time only to make pancakes for tt before he left for work-- the second time because it was 1:30 and it was just time.

there are things i could be doing, should be doing.  but i don't know what to do next.  nothing makes sense.  nothing fits where it's supposed to.

i look around and there is no where to put the pots and pans or the mail that comes every day.  i feel lost, without the little white table in the kitchen... every time i look at the space against the wall the emptiness inside me grows.

in our apartment, there are lights in every corner but i still feel like i'm living in the dark.  i'm reaching out but there is nothing to hold on to.  so i hold onto the fear itself.

the problem with holding onto fear is that it's like locking myself in a cage and trying to live between the bars because i'm not really sure if it's safer inside or out.

i have been second guessing my inner gps system for decades now and when i lost my way i panicked and pulled the emergency brake because i'm standing still.  i'm watching it all pass by wondering which way i'm supposed to go but everywhere i look i see chaos and disorder.

i shut down.  numb even on the inside.  dormant like a perrenial flower that has the potential to grow.  wake me up, i long to say, when everything has thawed.

i am patient.  i will wait.  i will wait.

million little stars spelling out your name

i sit cross legged
on the fence
and stare at the horizon

the sun is setting
and
i can't look away

he is running
from what i could tell
by the sound of his steps

i hear him breathing
but i don't
turn around

the wind whips through my hair
and i pull my sweater because
it's fallen off my shoulder
again

as much as i tried to resist it
it's fall now

the air is crisp and cold against my cheeks
and i remember that it's the third time this week that i forgot my chapstick

he could have looked at me
but i wouldn't have noticed
and it wouldn't have mattered if i did

i don't smile
and i don't talk

i just watch the sun light everything it touches on fire
and i secretly wish
that i could do the same

a dog barks
somewhere in the distance
and i think about going home

i see a light on
in a kitchen
across the street

the picture of that life inside the frame of that home
seems small
and sad

it hurts to feel restricted
restrained

stay wild at heart
says the necklace
that is always tangled in my hair

i kick the fence
with my heels and stare up into the night
i don't know who i am

and neither does he

he picks up his bag
and walks towards me
his footsteps
crunching on the dry grass

the cold wind
envelops me
as my sweater slips down again

his breath is warm
as he kisses my shoulder
before he walks away

i don't smile
and i don't talk

eventually the stars appear
and i can't look away