i won't talk. my thoughts feel too disorganized. messy and out of control. nothing comes out right. from my mouth or my pen. it's frustrating but i'm too used to it to put up a fight.
resistance makes everything harder. heavier than it already is. so i surrender. i always surrender.
saturday i fell asleep on my brother's sofa, my niece curled up beside me. why is she sleeping, she kept asking, but i couldn't muster up the desire to get up. sunday i got up twice-- the first time only to make pancakes for tt before he left for work-- the second time because it was 1:30 and it was just time.
there are things i could be doing, should be doing. but i don't know what to do next. nothing makes sense. nothing fits where it's supposed to.
i look around and there is no where to put the pots and pans or the mail that comes every day. i feel lost, without the little white table in the kitchen... every time i look at the space against the wall the emptiness inside me grows.
in our apartment, there are lights in every corner but i still feel like i'm living in the dark. i'm reaching out but there is nothing to hold on to. so i hold onto the fear itself.
the problem with holding onto fear is that it's like locking myself in a cage and trying to live between the bars because i'm not really sure if it's safer inside or out.
i have been second guessing my inner gps system for decades now and when i lost my way i panicked and pulled the emergency brake because i'm standing still. i'm watching it all pass by wondering which way i'm supposed to go but everywhere i look i see chaos and disorder.
i shut down. numb even on the inside. dormant like a perrenial flower that has the potential to grow. wake me up, i long to say, when everything has thawed.
i am patient. i will wait. i will wait.
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