million little stars spelling out your name

i sit cross legged
on the fence
and stare at the horizon

the sun is setting
and
i can't look away

he is running
from what i could tell
by the sound of his steps

i hear him breathing
but i don't
turn around

the wind whips through my hair
and i pull my sweater because
it's fallen off my shoulder
again

as much as i tried to resist it
it's fall now

the air is crisp and cold against my cheeks
and i remember that it's the third time this week that i forgot my chapstick

he could have looked at me
but i wouldn't have noticed
and it wouldn't have mattered if i did

i don't smile
and i don't talk

i just watch the sun light everything it touches on fire
and i secretly wish
that i could do the same

a dog barks
somewhere in the distance
and i think about going home

i see a light on
in a kitchen
across the street

the picture of that life inside the frame of that home
seems small
and sad

it hurts to feel restricted
restrained

stay wild at heart
says the necklace
that is always tangled in my hair

i kick the fence
with my heels and stare up into the night
i don't know who i am

and neither does he

he picks up his bag
and walks towards me
his footsteps
crunching on the dry grass

the cold wind
envelops me
as my sweater slips down again

his breath is warm
as he kisses my shoulder
before he walks away

i don't smile
and i don't talk

eventually the stars appear
and i can't look away

Despite all my rage I still just a rat in a cage

I don't know why I walk on the lonely side of the street.  I'm not consciously choosing to cross out of the sun.  When I find myself on a desolate corner I feel a strange sense of peace underneath the initial panic.
When I am near people I feel suffocated.  Actions seem exaggerated.  Time passes painfully slow.  I'm overly aware of everything.  Its torture.
When I'm alone I can breathe.  You know, like I notice things but I don't care about them.  And I don't want to care about anything.
I want to resist and rebel and regret.
My lack of participation in the human race, a race I don't want to run, is constant.  I don't see myself as a part of it.  I'm on the outside.  On the outside looking in.

Even if I think that you are right well I'm tired of being down I got no fight

Move

Put one foot in front of the other

That's all you need to do.

You don't need to save the world

You only need to save yourself

Get up

Get out of the bed

And put both feet on the floor

There doesn't have to be a reason

To keep breathing

Just breathe in and breathe out

And eventually you'll have made it through another day

Seems impossible now

But the same opportunity came yesterday and it will come again tomorrow.

The hardest part

Is agreeing to try

Is believing that its worth the effort

And that it's not over 

Yet

You are here

And there is nothing you can do about that

Who's there that makes you so afraid you're shaking to the bone

She has this look
On her face
Like she's proud or something
You know
Like she thinks she accomplished something big

And I like
Hate it
You know
I hate everything

Because she's moved her post its
A million times before
It doesn't mean anything
It's not done

It never is

It just continues
Today
Tomorrow
Forever

It just doesn't end
The dysfunction is so deep
That I pray
Someday
I'll drown

There is no
Easy way out
I suppose
I'd prefer to dive back in
To the devil that I know

It doesn't matter
Who you are in this world
Eventually
You won't exist
At all

At least there is some relief
In that

And we caught onto something I held on to the night

He sighs

In his sleep

It wakes me

Just enough

To notice

The reflection of the street light 

On the floor

It never really gets dark

At night

In the city

Some nights it comforting

And 

Some nights it's irritating

He sighs in his sleep

And I press my forehead into

The space between his shoulder blades

I can't sleep

In the distance I hear 

The sound of someone's tv

And footsteps from the people upstairs

I'm tired

Of waking up

Before the sun

He sighs in his sleep

And I watch him breathing

In the mirror

Across from our bed

He looks like a stranger 

To me

In the dark

Where we met

Maybe now we're just ghosts

Of who we used to be

To each other

I think

We hold hands

Under the covers

He brushes my hair from my eyes

I sleep better

With my head

In his hand

He sighs when he sleeps

And I let myself fall

Between his breath

Between yesterday and tomorrow

I roll over 

Into the night

And hide

Until morning

Dancin out on 7th street, dancin through the underground

It's been too long
Since I've last seen the stars

In winter
It's too cold
To look up

Lately
I don't feel
Connected
To the universe
To you

I'm like driftwood
Baby

Lost
At
Sea

Lost
In
Space

The space between
You and me

I remember that night
We laid down on the roof
Talking about places we've never been

You never really cared
About my dreams
But neither do I

Dreams
Die

There is no way
To connect the dots
In the sky
Or in life

It doesn't make sense
How the stars turn blue
And the sky turns red

We sit on the edge
Of
Life

You and I

Looking out over
the city streets
Everything has its place
Under the night sky

Even us
We don't belong
Anywhere
But with each other

You and I

The pleasure seekers
Always searching
For the light

Because we keep forgetting
To look up
And see the stars

so don't work your stuff because I've got problems enough

I
Mess
Things
Up

If my sneakers had laces
I would check
To make sure
That I haven't tied
Both feet together
Because lately
I feel
Like I'm stumbling through my days
And falling through the holes in the night

I wake up
Anxious
At 1 2 3 o'clock
In the morning
And I remind myself to breathe
Away
The fight or flight

I don't know what's wrong
But
I don't know what's right

it rains in your bedroom everything is wrong it rains when you're there and it rains when you're gone

i don't know why it's so hard for me to write this.  maybe because it's about you.  or because i don't want you to know it's about you.

and i don't know why i care, like about you, anymore.  i mean, in some way i don't.  but it's obvious that in some way i do.

because i felt like you pulled the rug out from beneath me again.  like one minute you were there and then the next minute you were gone.  again.  

the truth is i don't want you here in my life.  i want you there.  in your life.  

i just want you to be the ever present you- the you who i write to.  and i want to tell you everything and know that when i do....it's gone.  you won't hold it against me, you won't hold me accountable, and that no matter what, you will let it go as you have let me go.

and we could both be free.