want a violent girl who's not scared of anything help me kill my time cuz i'll never be fine

this morning i had a crisis.

a total fucking melt down.

there were tears.

there was a lot of yelling.

and slamming doors.  yeah.  there was a lot of slamming doors.


it all started when i woke up and got dressed.  there was a breeze coming in through the window and i thought-- maybe i should wear jeans. 

i knew this day was coming.  i was just trying to put it off for as long as possible.

jeans day.


i don't know what happened.  i mean, i put the jeans on and looked in the mirror and the shit hit the fan.  seriously.  i mean, all of the sudden it was like nothing but me wearing jeans and it was not good.  they pulled, they stretched, they highlighted every flaw i work so hard to hide.  i can't even tell you how the sight of my reflection just knocked the wind right out of me.


all of the sudden i was in it-- this place of self loathing and i could not find a way out.  i tried on every pair of jeans i own.  skinny, straight, flare-- black, blue, distressed--- only hating myself more and more. 


i've never liked wearing jeans-- they've always been uncomfortable to me.  and my legs have always been a source of stress for me.  i just want them to be different.  drastically different.  (not like oh i want a pony someday kind of want.  but like a real painful kind of want that you feel on a primal, guttoral level).


so putting on jeans this morning, for the first time in 5 months was tragic.  and no i am not exaggerating.  i would have ripped my skin off if i thought i could do it and survive.  i went from the bedroom to the closet, slamming the door with each entrance and exit-- to laying on my bed in the fetal position sobbing-- to walking out the front door, to going back inside, tearing one pair of jeans off and pulling another pair on-- to more crying, more slamming, more stomping.


my poor boyfriend just sat on the couch with his head in his hands. 


there is no fixing me when i go this low.  there is nothing that anybody can do but let me cry it out until i'm so exhausted that i fall alseep or get so delirious and blurry eyed that i don't care what i look like anymore.


and it sounds so ridiculous-- to care so much about what i look like.  because i don't put that much emphasis on the way people look.  i mean, i don't judge other people the way i judge myself.  i don't hate anybody for the way they look-- except for myself. 


but i really do hate myself.  because i don't like the way i look in my jeans.  and that's just the story i chose for today.


hopefully tomorrow will be different. 

xo xo xo