i just remembered how this one time it snowed before christmas. he came over late one night on his snowmobile....like not here but to my parents house. and it was strange how like, they (my parents) didn't wake up because he drove it (his snow mobile) across the front lawn and waited for me beside the front door. like he knew that i would come out. dressed. and ready to go.
but i did. because i was a fucking wreck. you know like i was so sure that other shoe was going to drop that i wasn't going to sit around waiting for it, you know.
and it wasn't cold. or that cold-- anyway. if it was, i don't really remember.
all i remember was racing down the hill like there was no tomorrow. trembling with a cocktail of excitement and fear because we didn't stop or look both ways before crossing the street.
the earth was so quiet and the sky was so black......sprinkled with a handful of stars......lightly dusted with a sugar coating of snow as we raced farther and farther away from everything that i knew.
i didn't know where i was going. i just held on.
there is like this feeling, when you know you're slipping, falling, sliding out of control and like you know there is nothing that you can do to stop it-- and in that moment you have a choice-- like you can say fuck it and let go and freak out and try to brace yourself.
but it doesn't matter what you do-- nothing prepares you for the future. nothing.
it just happens. life just happens.
and it happens easier when you let go.
i try to remember that, when i'm like white knuckling it through the day. the feeling of not knowing and not caring-- just being in the moment.
because that was a long time ago, i guess. and somewhere along the way i started believing that i'm like, fragile. that life is fragile. and maybe it is, you know.
but like, who the fuck cares? what good is it, if you always stay inside the lines? my biggest fear is looking back and saying i followed all the rules.
i used to be pretty good at making my own.
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