but it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion

i started writing a new post but just deleted it.

today i don't feel like thinking in chronological order.

today i don't care if my blog post makes sense.

life doesn't make sense.

at least not all the time.


i get distracted very easily.

lately.

i wasn't always like that.

was i?

i remember feeling focused and on track.

whatever that means.


i could think of really specific moments when everything was okay

when i felt okay

when things made sense

the sun the moon the stars


i remember them like artifacts from another life time

behind a sheet of glass

to protect them

from

me/myself


because i'm a mess

whether or not you can see that from the outside

the only thing i've got together

is knowing that that i can get it together

someday


at 5pm the lifeguards call everyone out of the water

so that people are aware that they are swimming at your own risk

you know?

and me-- i immediately go right back in the ocean

because even when the lifeguards are off duty

that's the safest place i know.

xo xo xo xo