how do you talk to an angel it's like trying to catch a falling star

he gets me when i wake up
when i'm tired and my hair's a mess
no make up on
i'm already stressed
from not sleeping enough
and the long day ahead

he gets me when i'm running
on the treadmill
or
around the room
i can never find
my fucking keys
and
i always forget to wash the blender
he dodges my every move
as i dart
from room to room
and finally
out the door

he gets me when i'm on the train
packed up
packed in
fear of stopping
itunes
iphone
i left too late to get anywhere on time
i call him and blame the mta
this is how i start our day

he gets me when i'm at work
sitting
staring at the screen
forgetting about the window to my right
and the whole world waiting outside of it
i tell him
that i hate my life
i hate myself
 for messing up again
i say
i say
i say
a lot of things but never anything worth remembering
i don't know why
he answers the phone
anyway
because when he picks up and says hello
i'm not there
i swear

he gets me when we're eating dinner
sitting 24 inches away from each other
only the distance feels
like a million miles
with the fucking world wide web between us
on our phones
answering texts from this one that one
interrupting
every
word
we could be saying to each other

he gets me when i'm done for the day
turning on my laptop for another round of
answering emails
and keeping up
with
everyone (but the kardashians)
i shush him sometimes
when i get sucked into
some mindless bullshit
on tv
and by the time i come back
from the shower
i find
that he is already sleeping
i cry a little
because
every night
i remember to recharge my ipod but
i never remember
to
recharge
us

he gets me when i'm freaking out
questioning what this life is all about
i ask him if he thinks i'm dying
and he always reminds me
how alive i am
after all this time
i can't believe
how he still sees
the life in me
because most days i'm not really sure i'm even living
surviving, yes
but that's not enough

because he deserves me when
i'm dancing in the sun
picking buttercups
and coming undone
he deserves me when
i'm chasing clouds
and catching fireflies
when the sun's gone down
he deserves me when
i stay up late to make a wish
on birthday candles
on falling stars
for everything that we dream of and more
yeah
i'm sure he deserves me
most
like
this

but it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion

i started writing a new post but just deleted it.

today i don't feel like thinking in chronological order.

today i don't care if my blog post makes sense.

life doesn't make sense.

at least not all the time.


i get distracted very easily.

lately.

i wasn't always like that.

was i?

i remember feeling focused and on track.

whatever that means.


i could think of really specific moments when everything was okay

when i felt okay

when things made sense

the sun the moon the stars


i remember them like artifacts from another life time

behind a sheet of glass

to protect them

from

me/myself


because i'm a mess

whether or not you can see that from the outside

the only thing i've got together

is knowing that that i can get it together

someday


at 5pm the lifeguards call everyone out of the water

so that people are aware that they are swimming at your own risk

you know?

and me-- i immediately go right back in the ocean

because even when the lifeguards are off duty

that's the safest place i know.

xo xo xo xo

doesn't take much to break us into pieces

i feel so fragile.

sometimes i forget how resilient we are.

being human.

it's easy to think of the body as a weight, a prison, a problem

but if i can remember that this body is a gift

i will be okay

in this moment, i have so much gratitude for the body i live in. 

this body.

i need more than a blog to write about that.

xo

And even though nobody's looking she's falling apart

everything looks fine right?

better than fine.

good- even.

but like- it's not.

i can't focus.  i can't bring myself back.  i'm gone.

sometimes i think it's better to let yourself fall.  let yourself go.  whatever, right?

i am thinking in song lyrics

"hold onto nothing as fast as we can"

"i'll fake it through the day with some help from johnny walker red"

"i know you better than you fake it"

all i want to do is pull the covers over my head.  drop out.  tune out.  sleep.

like numbers beyond what you can dial

you know when you run into people that you know, like on the street or on the subway and you just don't feel like talking to them.

it's not that you don't like them- it's that you're kind of like, busy....in your thoughts

like you might be on the same train going to the exact same location and it looks like you are really doing nothing-- only you're mind is like light years away- intergallactic.

i'll admit, sometimes i will purposely cross the street or wait for the next elevator just to avoid the awkward encounter of me trying to remain present and keep up my end of the small talk.  that might sound shitty and you can judge me if it helps you feel better, (but you know you've done it).

maybe i am a total shit.  i don't know.  i don't think so.  the whole point of being alive is to get out of your head and be in the present moment right? 

here. 

on earth.

it's so fucked up how comfortable we become living in our own shadows.  we cling to them like safety blankets.  we wrap ourselves up in their bullshit.......but the joke is on us, cuz the only thing they are protecting us from is living (and experiencing) our lives.

going with a beastie boys theme today, in reference to the last statement,-- listen all y'all it's sabatoge