Never before and never since, I promise will the whole world be warm as this and as you feel it

there is a chapel on the 2nd floor

i go there every day

the hardest part is praying
- because i don't know what i want
- because i like to feel in control of things
- because i get lost in thought

i get tripped up on wanting because i identify desire with something tangible: a pony, a ring, a room with a view

but i've never really been interested in things
(believe me when i say, no job title, mode of transportation, or personal décor is going to silence the inner chatter)

what i really want is to feel differently

instead of feeling all of the A's (anxious, alone, afraid, etc) i want to feel:
- well rested & refreshed
- safe & warm
- nourished & inspired
- appreciated & cherished
- grateful & fulfilled
- curious & childlike (translation: seeing the magic in the first snowfall of the season)
- peaceful & free
- loved & supported
- kind & generous


sometimes i just overthink things.  i already feel all of those feelings in various parts of my life.  i simply need to appreciate them and live more in that space. 

and if the hardest part is asking/praying for what i want, then that means for the next 10 days i'm going to practice being grateful for what i already have. 

and that is what we're going to do on sunday

when i find my peace of mind, i'm gonna give you some of my good time

This doesn't have to be perfect.

I'm thinking and over thinking each word I type.  Deleting.  Censoring.  Revising.

But there is no right way to write this blog post. 

The expectation is simple: release the thoughts that are taking up too much space.


In no particular order.
It's been 59 days since I've seen the ocean. 
I don't like who I am when I'm anxious and controlling.
I want to control things.
I want to be perfect.

Even now, I can't write freely.  I can't write the way that I used to.  This disconnect between my brain and my fingers has lasted for decades now.  It's exhausting. 

What would it feel like to let go of everything?  To stop micro managing, to stop investing in the outcome?

His problems will no longer by my problems.

There won't be so much stuff.

I won't care what people think.

I'm going to meditate now.